Advice To Help Our Beloved Democrat Friends Win In 2018

by Kurt Schlicter

Since we conservatives humiliated Felonia von Pantsuit last November, it’s been all winning, all the time, from Neil Gorsuch to crushing the liberal climate cult to appointing a Defense Secretary nicknamed Mad Dog who prioritizes annihilating jihadists over making the infantry more welcoming to people confused about whether they are boys or girls. But that’s unfair to the Democrats – as our liberal friends teach us, our success belongs to them too, just like everything else we earn, build, or create belongs to them too.

We need to share our winning. We need to be bipartisan-curious!

After all, Democrats are always offering Republicans helpful advice, like “Run away from the guy who beat The Smartest, Most Qualified, And Smartest Woman In The History Of Ever!” and “Reach across the aisle so we can grab your hand and drag you into our reeking cesspool of institutional progressivism!” 

So, in that same spirit of cooperation and love, I once again humbly offer some ideas for our liberal friends to help them win in 2018, which still all boil down to this: don’t change a thing. It’s more important than ever for Democrats to maintain a steady course. Just ignore that iceberg up ahead; it’s probably racist anyway.

Look Democrats, you’re doing great. After a half year of Trump and several special election moral victories – which are the best kind of victories – America is digging your vibe. Everyone loves the Democrats and their can-do message of opposition to Trump, entitlement to our money, resistance to Trump, demands for even more of our money, and dog-whistlin’ about murdering Trump and anyone else who doesn’t hate Trump or want to give Democrats our money.

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Advice To Help Our Beloved Democrat Friends Win In 2018 - Kurt Schlichter