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1. Sex
Okay, I know that we don’t spend much time actually having sex, but we do think about it an awful lot. It’s probably the world’s single largest pleasurable activity. But if you talk to American Christians, most don’t think there will be any sex going on in the fields of paradise. It’s a pity, as the sex in heaven could be wonderful, with no fear of pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease. You wouldn’t need lubricants or sex aids, and Viagra would be totally unnecessary. Heaven could be one magnificent orgy with multiple orgasms for all. Maybe I should start a religion on this basis? But ever since St. Augustine got his hands on Christianity, sex got a bad reputation in most Christian circles, and it’s supposed to be for procreation and not recreation. I suppose it was inevitable, as the 1st century Jews had a lot of sexual hang-ups too. So, probably no sex in a Christian heaven. No free love, no amorous nights with new partners, no dirty weekends, and no masturbation while watching internet porn. Most people I’ve talked to, as well as standard Catholic doctrine, said you won’t desire sex anymore, as you will be filled with the Holy Spirit. Can that possibly be better than an orgasm?
2. Food & Drink
& Smoking & Drugs
Gluttony is a national pastime for Americans, with over 1/3
of them being obese by some counts. One of the popular seven deadly sins, which
are not actually mentioned in the Bible, were invented by the Catholic Church.
Will we need to eat in heaven? And if we do, then will we be shitting and
pissing too? Again, most people I’ve talked to said that you won’t need to eat
anymore. This may be a question of whether you are in heaven as a reanimated
corpse, as most Christian texts seem to assume, or as some sort of spirit
being. In any event, no one thinks that urination and defecation is a likely
activity, so that to me means no eating or drinking. All those gourmet cooking
classes you took in life will be wasted in heaven.
3. Sports &
Entertainment
Most people today
spend a lot of their time being entertained by others. It can be highbrow
theatre or opera, or cat videos on YouTube and Anime comic books. But will this
be available in heaven? And if so, who is going to be making it? Remember, watching
a sports game is entertainment for the spectators, but it’s work for the
participants. Will they want to work in heaven, or would they just want to
relax? Also, most sports personalities don’t die in their prime, they die at an
older age, when they are not as athletic as in their youth.
This comes back to the issue of what age you will be in
heaven. So either there is no sports or entertainment, or there is but its
being done by a bunch of old people (the athletes and actors at the age when
they died), or its being done by a bunch of young people if we get to choose
our age – but if you can’t have sex, and you have no pain or disease, then why
be young?
Also, many sports have an element of violence in them, the
same with today’s popular action and horror movies. Will you be able to crush
your opponent in American football, or will you just be turning the other cheek
once in heaven? How much fun would a James Bond movie be with no chase scenes,
no shoot outs, and no one in sexy outfits? Maybe the angels play baseball when
they are not on guardian angel duty? Anyway, it doesn’t look like there are TV
or sports in heaven, except perhaps for the gentlemanly pastimes of non-violent
English cricket, ping pong, shuffleboard, or croquet on the clouds? Snore……
4. Pets
People love their pets. Cats, dogs, horses, pythons,
parakeets, hamsters, goldfish, rabbits, elephants. I live in Thailand, so
elephants are a serious concern. Will we be reunited with them in heaven and
enjoy their company? Will they want us? Maybe heaven for dogs is a large city
with fire hydrants every ten feet? Maybe paradise for cats is a soft cushion in
the sunshine, with a dish full of fresh tuna. Maybe horses just want to run
free and never have to tolerate a saddle again.
But in any case, sadly, most Christian sects do not believe
that animals have souls. Lots of people believe they do, but as a matter of
doctrine, this is not the case. Animals don’t get baptized, and they don’t take
communion, and they don’t have the capacity to accept Jesus as their savior –
and in any event they are not tainted with original sin. There is no
description of animals in heaven, just god and his throne and angels praising
him. So, probably no pets to stroke or cuddle, no horseback riding, no duck
hunting, no fox hunts, and no cat litter boxes to clean.
5. Music
So what is left to do in heaven that we normally enjoy here
on Earth? Reading books? Singing and praising god? I don’t think that most
current rap tunes will make it to heaven, unless heaven is interested in gang
bangers, capping cops and keeping control of your bitches and hoes. I am a
product of the 70s. Will I never again enjoy Donna Summer belting out “Love to
Love You Baby” or “Hot Stuff”? No more Pat Benatar pleading to “Hit Me With
Your Best Shot”? And of course, Joan Jett and Kiss probably only play in hell.
So what’s left? Simon & Garfunkel for eternity? Endless Justin Bieber? Pat
Boone and elevator music ever present in the background? Will it be endless
karaoke? Locked forever in a room with people unable to carry a tune? Maybe
everyone will be modified to be able to sing like Paul McCartney? Please don’t
tell me it will be endless hymns to the glory of God…
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