The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men

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1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every single one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (ie. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.

QUESTION #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you". This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
A. Football.
B. Golf.
C. How fat you are.
D. How much prettier she is than you
E. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

QUESTION #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order "Yes, dear". Inappropriate responses include:
A. Oh yeah, shit loads!
B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C. That depends on what you mean by love.
D. Does it matter?
E. Who, me?

QUESTION #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
A. Compared to what?
B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
C. A little extra weight looks good on you.
D. I've seen fatter.
E. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

QUESTION #4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
A. Yes, but you have a better personality
B. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
C. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
D. Define pretty
E. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

QUESTION #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a BMW and a Boat").